Psychology Jokes

Research showed that laughter can lower blood pressure, reduce stress hormones, increase muscle flexion, and boost immune function. Laughter also produces a general sense of well-being by triggering the release of endorphins, the body's natural painkillers. Laughter is inexpensive, risk-free, and available anytime and anywhere, so there is little reason not to start practicing humor therapy.

Coping with depression is not easy. Depression is not a joke. But one can overcome depression through laughter. Spread the joy! Send this jokes to all your friends! Laughter is contageous; make someone smile today!

Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are depressed, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.
If you are delusional and occasionally hallucinate, please be aware that the thing you are holding on the side of your head is alive and about to bite off your ear.


Psychiatrist to his nurse:
Just say we're very busy. Don't keep saying it's a madhouse.

Once I had multiple personalities, but now we are feeling well.

Why do you prefer Alzheimer disease to Parkinson disease?
Because it's better to forget to pay the beer than to spill it.

I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute.

In a psychiatrist's waiting room two patients are having a conversation. One says to the other, "Why are you here?"
The second answers, "I'm Napoleon, so the doctor told me to come here."
The first is curious and asks, "How do you know that you're Napoleon?"
The second responds, "God told me I was."
At this point, a patient on the other side of the room shouts, "NO I DIDN'T!"

How can you distinguish the staff from the patients in the asylum?
- The staff has the door key.
- The patients get better and leave.
- Not everyone of the patients thinks he is God.

Joe has been seeing a psychoanalyst for four years for treatment of the fear that he had monsters under his bed. It had been years since he had gotten a good night's sleep. Furthermore, his progress was very poor, and he knew it. So, one day he stops seeing the psychoanalyst and decides to try something different.
A few weeks later, Joe's former psychoanalyst meets his old client in the supermarket, and is surprised to find him looking well-rested, energetic, and cheerful. "Doc!" Joe says, "It's amazing! I'm cured!"
"That's great news!" the psychoanalyst says. "you seem to be doing much better. How?"
"I went to see another doctor," Joe says enthusiastically, "and he cured me in just ONE session!"
"One?!" the psychoanalyst asks incredulously.
"Yeah," continues Joe, "my new doctor is a behaviorist."
"A behaviorist?" the psychoanalyst asks. "How did he cure you in one session?"
"Oh, easy," says Joe. "He told me to cut the legs off of my bed."

At a party:
'Are you a psychologist?'
'Why do you ask it?'
'Oh yes, you are a psychologist.'

Neurotics build castles in the sky.
Psychotics live in them.
Psychiatrists collect the rent.

Doctor, Doctor, I think I'm a cat.
How long has this been going on?
Oh, since I was a kitten!

Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a dog.
Lie down on the couch and I'll examine you.
I can't, I'm not allowed on the furniture.

A psychotic thinks that two and two are five.
A neurotic knows two and two are four -- but he hates it.

Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?"
"Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techiniques - visualization, association - it made a huge difference for me."
"That's great! What was the name of the clinic?"
Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that red flower with the long stem and thorns?"
"You mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife. . ."Rose, what was the name of that clinic?"

How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?
"None. The light bulb will change itself when it's ready."
"Just one, but the light bulb really has to want to change."
"Just one, but it takes nine visits."

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
"How long have you been having this phantasy?"
"Why does the light bulb necessarily have to change?"
"One, but he must consult the DSM-IV"

How many psychoanalysts does it take to change a light bulb?
"How many do you think it takes?"

I'm not satisfied with the result of the therapy... I used to be Napoleon, but today I'm simply John Smith.

Man goes to doctor. Says he's depressed. Says life seems harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone in a threatening world, where what lies ahead is vague and uncertain. Doctor says the treatment is simple. The great clown Terrifini is in town tonight. Go and see him. That should pick you up. Man bursts into tears: "But doctor . . . I am Terrifini."

When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch, the physiatrist began his therapy session, "I'm not aware of your problem," the doctor said. "So perhaps, you should start at the very beginning."
"Of course." replied the patient. "In the beginning, I created the Heavens and the Earth..."

A man goes to see his psychiatrist. He says, "Doctor, I've been having suicidal tendencies. What should I do?"
The psychiatrist replies, "Pay your bill today."

"I see you were last employed by a psychiatrist," said the employer to the applicant. "Why did you leave?"
"Well," she replied, "I just couldn't win. If I was late to work, I was hostile. If I was early, I had an anxiety complex. If I was on time, I was compulsive."

After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the director reviewed the rescuer's file and called him into his office.
"Mr. James, your records and your heroic behavior indicate that you're ready to go home. I'm only sorry that the man you saved later killed himself with a rope around the neck."
"Oh, he didn't kill himself," Mr. James replied. "I hung him up to dry."

Two mental patients were hanging from an apple tree when one suddenly fell to the ground. The other yelled down, "What's the matter? Are you tired?" From below came back, "No, ripe!"

A psychologist was walking along a Hawaiian beach when he kicked a bottle poking up through the sand. Opening it, he was astonished to see a cloud of smoke and a genie smiling at him.
"For your kindness," the genie said, "I will grant you one wish!" The psychologist paused, laughed, and replied, "I have always wanted a road from Hawaii to California."
The genie grimaced, thought for a few minutes and said, "Listen, I'm sorry, but I can't do that! Think of all the pilings needed to hold up the highway and how long they'd have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. Think of all the pavement. That's too much to ask."
"OK," the psychologist said, not wanting to be unreasonable. "I'm a psychologist. Make me understand my patients. What makes them laugh and cry, why are they temperamental, why are they so difficult to get along with, what do they really want? Basically, teach me to understand what makes them tick!"
The genie paused, and then sighed, "Did you want two lanes or four?"

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